The Holy Grail a Testimony of Truth

The will to be in the will of God is strong in those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.  And they shall be filled.

On my journey of treachery and pain with it’s ecstasy and insanity I stopped and was brought into the wilderness by God Almighty.  I came into a safe haven of peace and security.  Oh yes I was scared after leaving my comfortable existence of kaos and blinding emotional pain.   In that haven I found the holy grail.  I found my own heart, though it was buried under an array of character flaws.  My heart at that time was deplete I relied on agonizing knee jerk emotional defense moves.  And the lie was my bedfellow.

After the dream below which occurred around 2007 the Truth of my identity both who I was and WHY I was came rushing in like a freight train of self-awareness.  After that truth I was never the same.

I was under attack from the time I was born.  But my defenses were as twisted as the offenses waged against me from birth.  My emotional defenses took on a life of their own.  A spirit per-say and more than one.

“Dream Identity” 2007

I had a dream that I was in bed and felt as if I was unable to rise. There was a man beside me; he was also confined to the bed. There was an audience of 10 or 12 people sitting on bleachers in the shadows next to the bed. The audience watched our every move and would boo or applaud. There was an air conditioner thermostat on the wall by the front door set at 78 degrees. I knew I was not permitted to change the temperature, I did not own the apartment I just lived there. Suddenly I was in the hallway of the apartment building. I was doing my laundry and looked up to see another woman’s lovely lingerie and dresses hanging on a rack. I felt very displeased with my own clothing comparing hers to mine I was tempted to steal them but knew better. I am back in the apartment and a brassy red haired woman yells at me viciously telling me I am crazy and should be locked up. Suddenly I am back in the bed I look at the man lying next to me, he looks sexy, and I covet him.

After I woke up, I wrote down the entire dream, and read it back. I was given the following interpretation of my dream. The man in the bed represents the men I have had romantic relationships with throughout my life. Deep down in my psyche I wanted to possess them and keep them nice and tidy in a box at home where I could control them and have a guarantee they would be mine always. I want to keep them where all their attention would be for me. Coveting these men was rooted in neediness and the fear of losing them, the fear of being alone.

Being stuck in the bed represents my tendencies toward sloth and procrastination. It symbolizes me being paralyzed by the fear of success and fear of failure. The people watching in the bleachers represent my piers. It shows me how I put too much energy into worrying about what others think of me or about what they may see when they look at me. This part of the dream is based in vanity and false pride. False pride says I better be the best so I can get the applause and glory! I fear the fact that I could be booed. The root of vanity says if I look good, people will like me. The fear of not being liked or Loved looms in my subconscious. The common fear of not being liked causes me to narrow my outlook on life and I am bound by my own perceptions of people’s opinions and compliments toward me.

The red headed woman is my inner destroyer. The self-destructive part of me that tells me I am wrong and bad. A part of me says I will amount to nothing; this negative voice wants me to self-destruct. The thermostat on the wall represents my insecurity and fear of homelessness. It depicts my issue of entitlement that says people owe me. I felt I deserved that which I did not work to get. The laundry incident with the beautiful clothing shows my inferiority complex that others are better and more beautiful than I am. The clothing depicted (in my own artistic way) my desperation to hold on to beauty and youth, and again the fear of people not liking me. It also shows my belief at the time, that if I compare myself to others less beautiful than me I build self-esteem however, that idea is false. False comparisons stroke my ego until someone more beautiful enters the room then I am vulnerable to jealousy, envy and my false-esteem is crushed then I think even less of myself. I know now that to get true self-worth I must do esteem-able acts.

This dream reveals my carnal self to the core. The part of me this dream reveals is the part I have to work away from, the part I have to rely on God to relieve. God created my carnal side and it is valid and should be acknowledged then overcome. How did this interpretation help me? Awareness came to me after the interpretation. My carnal man would have me stay in that bed and not achieve anything; I can choose victory over my life. Get busy living or get busy dying this is my choice. I can stop myself when mentally beating myself down with negative thoughts because of the feelings my dream revealed. None is without character negatives. Knowing what those are of coarse gives me the option to work on them. You can interpret your prevalent dreams also be courageous to see what is really inside you. If a dream impresses you the next day enough to remember details, it is an opportunity to know yourself.

When I was young and addicted, I wound up in a county jail with a paraphernalia charge. I had some dreams in there that I am sure were prophetic! I had a simple dream I was in that same jail in a different time. The jail was empty except for one other girl. I took her hand and we tried to get out we were locked in. We came to a brick wall and suddenly an open door appeared and we both walked out into a sunlit courtyard where we walked out of our bondage together.

The interpretation was that me and other women like me would be set free by our unity and faith. The prophecy did come to pass. Long after I was released from that jail, I returned in a different capacity. I brought in the message of hope and recovery by God’s power to the women in that jail. But for the grace of God there go I.

Revelation 2:17
“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.”

Revelation 3:5
“He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.”

How to Overcome the Flesh Once It’s Identified

How did I overcome the selfish character flaws identified by my dream?  God’s leading.  He lead me in the Spirit to work the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“Confess your faults one to another and pray one for another so ye shall be healed.”

In doing so I left behind the addict identity and picked up a new me.  You see there was one identify under all the dysfunction who I have not mentioned.

We must become as little children to inherit the kingdom of God.”

“Little Laura”  Little Laura is the little child within who just wants to be loved, liked and to be safe and warm.  She is good and honors truth and the things of the Spirit of God.  She hungers & thirst for righteousness but didn’t know how to find it.

She desires a place where there is no danger and fear of threats, disease, poverty, violence, oppression, and mocking.  She desired to be here true self.  I let my own heart out of the chains I built around it and became who I really am.

To follow one’s heart and risk being different, mocked, rejected is to find the Holy Grail of Truth,